-learning how to talk-

Hypocritical

2012-01-23T21:31:00.002-06:00

So I've been mocking it for weeks on Twitter. Then all of a sudden I start thinking about my frustrations, my passions, my light-hearted love of life, my sarcasm and I THOUGHT: Self, stop being scared of who you are. And even worse, stop fearing the woman you are becoming. Oddly enough it was Shakira, in her Spanish, "te aviso, te anuncio..." that's what got me thinking! Plus who can seriously resist her and the waka waka??

So, ok... I'll start the countdown of "THINGS ABOUT ME..."

30.) I adore Shakira, and so much more in Spanish.

The right to dream.

2012-01-16T01:48:00.000-06:00

It's in all of us, it is a natural phenomenon, no? Awake and wonder what Taco Bell has to do with my second grade teacher being on the same cruise as myself and my same-sex partner and I'm not even gay (that I'm aware of...)? The escape. The whirling and spinning around, sometimes running, other times falling. The moment before the gasp that cannot be taken, and then a sudden snatching back into wakefulness. The dreaming.

No, no... I am talking about the day dreams that consume our waking minds. Maybe for the good but so often a place of mental suffering. Lately I've been feeling them in such a potent way. And not just that but it seems that every facet of my life is engaged. Ideas that make us who we are, the obsessions, the compulsions, the seemingly uncontrollable... that tell us STOP/GO or DO/ DO NOT. Or even worse, they sometimes say you aren't what you want to be, maybe you can't even get where you so desperately want to go.

And then there are those rare moments... when souls are stirred and wondrous possibilities are presented. It's been happening in my life and all around me.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am in love. But there are those certain loves that never really go away, they linger and it's ok. It's a reminder. Of life. Of happiness and joy and blissful looking across the sky-fullness! I can't help my loves that never really fall into the category of "was." I've come to the point where I somewhat embrace them. I don't mean to blah blah. So I'll get to the point. Let's all get there, really. It's about humanly time that we admit this. If you haven't been there you have missed out on the biggest growing point in this ridiculous thing we call life. Because trust me, I have seen it, done it, beat it, succumbed to it, stared it down again and again. Where do these tears always come from? How is it always so easy to make life into such a fiasco when really it is so straightforward.

(original photography)

"It was probably subliminal for you...."

-Eminem

Resolutionations?

2012-01-06T12:47:00.000-06:00

I think no.

So we are five days in. I'm all in, head first and that whole bit. It's just all of these curve balls keep throwing me off. And the worst part is... I don't even play baseball, what the what is a "curve ball" anyhow? So I just keep my game face on and man am I learning to be a FIGHTER. It's been really good for me. I hate it but at the same time I know that I will most certainly look back and think, "Thank you, universe, for presenting me with these challenges." I plan to consistently rise to the occasion. Oh oh oh!! Annnnd, I would never be here or have made so much progress without my super trooper family and friends.

As the anonymous statement proclaims... "I am wise because I have been foolish."

TO THE FUTURE! (Hopefully the flux capacitor holds out!)

2012

2012-01-01T14:10:00.000-06:00

Cheers, to a new year and another chance to get it right.

(original photography)

Whoosh... and June is gone...

2011-06-28T01:57:00.000-05:00

Ohhh, we are busy bees, yes we are. Please forgive. Our June was consumed with poolside entertainings...

lazy weekends on the boat...

sweaty zoo days,

riding of the nuevo bicycle...

fishy kisses, and summer fun times. No time to stop, no time to worry. Just go and be and love life. And oh boy do we ever, but now it is, officially back to reality. Mummy is back to school, pathophysiology by fire, to be exact. Work, as normal (abnormal as it may be... yeah, you know what I mean!). And then there's always trying to squeeze some quality time in there for my grown-up baby. It's a crazy life but it's an amazing one. New smiles and adventures with each new day.

The Revelations are Revealing!

2011-05-20T12:57:00.001-05:00

Happy Day-before-the-Rapture, everyone!!! I bid "Adieu" to those of you who have prepared yourselves in a satisfactory manner. Have fun at your Jesus party!

No more grouchy.

2011-05-04T12:58:00.000-05:00

I hate leaving a really pissy post up for too long as my most recent. It makes me feel like all I do is complain and and think badly of people. I do complain a LOT, when I'm not spending a ridiculously huge portion of my time rejoicing in the awesomeness that is my life. And I think very highly of very few people, and I don't mind saying so. Most of you are very so-so, and the rest, better to think little on little things, no? Mostly joking!

My Devon-child has a BIRTHDAY coming up! Yes, it's true, the baby boy will be 4 (four, YES, FOUR) years old. He's looking forward to it very much. And with this year comes a pretty big milestone. Shhhhhhh, don't tell. Somebody is getting a big boy bicycle! Now, excuse me, while I go consult with someone who knows something about children's bikes :-/

I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me...

2011-04-24T14:18:00.001-05:00

I have strong words today for those of you who profess such ridiculousness in the same moment that you turn from the truth that burdens you, in a way so very much unlike the cross you've taken up to follow in the ways. And if there was a Christ, it is surely your sins of neutrality and blatant hypocrisy for which he suffered. And let's please be honest, these words do not apply on this day only. In fact, as a person who has essentially shunned the notion of religion by definition, even I can appreciate the fact that this is the day that should need no words. Does the symbolism of resurrection, rebirth, and renewal not provide enough imagery to cover all that I feel?

Alas, it is more often than not when we are reminded of the amazing, disgusting, and idiotic ways through which many can find justification in their choices and comfort in their evil ways.

Summer, please! Shaken not stirred, no salt, just a little lime and it's party time!

2011-04-18T01:44:00.004-05:00

Galveston shenanigans.

Pool-side at the casa.

Kemah boardwalk FUN

I can say this fact of summer being upon us with certainty, because I now have had confirmation. I saw Scream 4 (I refuse to write it "Scre...m" -You know middle bit) tonight and was, well, just disappointed. Stupid stupid, bad movies have begun and with these cometh the season of sun and sweat. My personal fave! Granted I don't have to exercise outdoors, do any sort of manual type labor (think: wash car, clean outdoor furniture) unless properly suited up in swimming attire, or other similar sweat-inducing outside partakings. Concerts get a pass, though. As does the zoo and all parks where I don't run the risk of being embarrassed in my state of perspiration. So here's summer documented so far, don't mind the sweat! (it's just my body's superbly sexy way of using evaporation to cool my core temperature!!)

He could really use a wish right now.

Mumford makes me happy...

2011-03-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

...in the same way that the Dropkick Murphy's did when I was 15. It's crying music, fighting music, singing music, soulful music, close your eyes and breathe music, made to be blasted on the highway when it's freezing cold with the windows down and the heater cranked (yes, I did this all winter long). And they are still making me happy.

So tomorrow is an important day. For me. For the future. It's a movement of a symbolic nature more than anything, but really the symbolism is everything. It makes the surreal world we've been living a reality, there will be a signature on a few pieces of paper and I will turn and walk away. Really emotional in a ridiculously overwhelming way. I can't lie, it still hurts. And I am starting to understand: this particular hurt was just the first of a long journey. A little person who owns my heart, who grew inside of my own body - as much as I am here to be his guide - will make his way through the world on his own. He will be the heart-beat and the heart-break that will never leave me. This is the life I've created, all of the love, the beauty, joy, the uncertainty, selflessness, the frightening awareness of it all, and the sweet reward. So I think that the best I can give myself is a sincere effort to cease my quest for understanding what is essentially unhuman.

In summation, this bit of lyrics seem perfectly timed just for me and I swear they really do have a little something extra in them for my hurting little heart.

- It's empty in the valley of your heart.
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
away from all the fears
and all the faults you've left behind.

The harvest left no food for you to eat.
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see.
But I have seen the same,
I know the shame in your defeat.

Cause I need freedom now,
and I need to know how
to live my life as it's meant to be.

And I will hold on hope.

And I'll find strength in pain.
And I will change my ways.
I'll know my name as it's called again. -

~ Mumford & Sons 'The Cave'

Springish in the Lone Star State

2011-03-27T21:20:00.001-05:00

Yes, I understand it is still March. And in Houston that means Summer is right around the corner. And that means, do NOT blink, or you will miss Spring. So the wildflowers are in bloom and beautiful and I won't lie, they make me a little teary-eyed when we're driving down the highway and families are out taking pictures knee deep in them. Teary-eyed, and then it makes me chuckle because EVERYone does it, as if not taking family bluebonnet pictures is very un-Texan - which I do, in fact, believe to be true. Thus, the following:

And I know I'm ridiculous because I still need to post Disney World pictures and we had a two week ski/Utah vacay I'm just so slow getting through the photos. I have an editing problem. Well, more like two. I suck at photo editing and well, really I have a lazy problem... (And there are soooooo many good pictures!)

Disney World? Check!

2011-02-07T23:03:00.001-06:00

Now I must sort through pictures... racking this powerful brain of mine for the best possible way to visually convey the amazingness that was our Disney trip. It will come to me. So for now:

At brunch with Winnie the Pooh and Friends.

Animal Kingdom.

I forgot the funniest story of all!

2011-01-20T12:29:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I've gained a *little* weight recently. So I've been explaining to Devon why I need to work out all the time and watch my disgusting food intake. So apparently he's hyper-aware. The other day I was running his bath so I was bending over to check the water, he was standing behind me and he goes, "Mommy, you have a really big butt." Thanks, buddy. When you hear it from your 3 year old, trust me, you jump on the treadmill.

image rights: http://mrsdubai.wordpress.com/page/9/

Slacking, Badly....

2011-01-20T12:23:00.000-06:00

Obviously a lot has gone on recently. Holidays of such magnitude and fun as Kwanza, that one Christian holiday (something to do with a fat man), we had a day where we just hung around with the family and gorged, and of course Hanukkah! Pictures will be posted, rest assured.

Also, I have many funny stories (must work on remembering/writing them down before I forget them...). But just a tidbit of what's been going on. Devon is fully adult, as far as you can tell by his sneakiness, confidence, and proper vocabulary and grammar usage (not that proper use of the English language is generally an adult quality, I'm sorry to say.). He asked me if his shoes match his shirt, when we go shopping he wants to know if a particular pair of pants I am looking to buy him are "dorky" or not, when he sees litter and garbage on the ground he points out to me that a very yucky person left that there. "We don't litter Mommy, because we want the world to look beautiful." That's my boy!!

Aunt Angie will be happy to hear this: My Aunt Terri (who he likes to call Grandma, or rather his "other Grandma," in addition to his actual Grandma and his Grandma Shirley (great G-ma)) was visiting us for a couple weeks while in town for a work convention. Well on the way returning her to the airport, she told Devon that when he comes up to Utah in March to go skiing (oh! did I forget to mention? Devon will be in ski school for spring skiing this year! Mama is excited!) he was welcome to stay with her at her house. He replied, "Actually, Teri, I'm staying with my Aunt Angie. But I will come visit you at your house." The moment was pretty hilarious.

P.S. Everything is a go for nursing school application and my odds look pretty good to get in to the program at Texas Woman's, so in two years I will have a bachelor's degree and finally working as a nurse.... Pshhhhh. Better late than never, right?

PICTURES TO COME SOON!!!!

A Carnie-type Adventure

2010-11-21T11:22:00.001-06:00

The circus came to Baytown. Now I have to tell you, I have all sorts of reservations about circuses, petting zoos, even zoo-oos. There is no way to tell how the animals are being treated and I would just hate to think that I'm spending money to support something that encourages animal cruelty. That said, I love a great Polish sausage and porto-o-potties are just the greatest... so, after much thought, deliberation, and anxiety, I took Devon to the circus. It was pretty amazing, I'll admit. I will go on and say I am a fan of the animal-less acts. I'd rather see humans attempting to accidentally die in front of a large crowd than see elephants walking around in a cage while children ride on them. [Side note: I let Devon ride the elephant.] Well, as things would have it, my camera battery died upon arrival (great job, self, for checking on that prior to leaving). So all I have are these blurry gems taken from my crappy iphone camera with the hipstamatic app which I love SO dearly.

So the run down: Devon rode an elephant, a camel, and a pony. He ate a hotdog, a box and a half of popcorn, nachos, an entire Sprite. He actually snuck into the pony ride, without my prior approval, I promise! And the carnies, being the amazing, weird people that they are didn't charge me for the elephant ride. So I'd like to say we made out like bandits after purchasing "box seats" that yanked me for $40. I just can't sit with the masses, I can't! It's why I don't fly coach (that's definitely not a lie...) Behold the photos:

Mama is excited. Ohhh yess I am.

2010-10-08T01:53:00.001-05:00

So Target, of which I have not always been a super-fan, has done something WONDERFUL and moderately redeeming. They have partnered with the American Library Association to promote childhood reading and to encourage more parents to read with their little ones! Yessssss! Twenty bazillion points, ALA. Maybe two or three points, Target (for using this as a great Marketing/PR move). But regardless of intention, through Target's website you can find a list of age appropriate books from birth to age fourteen. And of course, I will be embarking on this journey with my pequeno with the quickness. First up, Guji Guji, the crocodile raised by a duck family. I can hardly wait to go get the book. =)

Further resources for great book choices can come for the Association for Library Service to Children and The Children's Book Council.

Oh jeez, I can't wait to relive all of my childhood reading adventures with Devon. (Yeah, I'm a dork, never claimed otherwise!)

So long ago.

*Smiles*

The Shapes.

2010-09-18T18:39:00.003-05:00

And how I love symmetry.

The aisle.

And now, for some random shapes, angles, and words.

Calgary Airport Restaurant

Lunch, and you can stand under my umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh.

Art.

Thank you United Airlines. And for the travel vouchers.

My legs.

"The sound is beauty, the notes striking a harmony to hypnotize, the verses progress, but the unchanging vapid chorus repeats to haunt... over and over and over.
The tide rises, the liquid into steam, the turning of the seasons ever present.
And yet, it is so hard to resist the need to reach out.
Grasping and Longing. Grasping and Longing. Grasping and Longing.
Gasping, but not for air. These are the lungs of a different variety altogether.
So vivid, so Striking in my memory the effervescence of hope and joy for What the Future Holds.
Indeed it does hold, and with thankfulness I can also cling to the peace this gives.
The peace in knowing each day is MY progression.
Frozen in complacency need I never be."

-Emily

The Canada

2010-09-16T14:58:00.004-05:00

On the plane.

On the beach. So purdy.

The land, the water.

We spent a few weeks in the beautiful British Columbia and witnessed a peace I have not experienced in a very long time. And saw the fruits of two lives of dedication, sacrifice, love, and hard work. And we will be forever grateful to them for their giving and graciousness. The Willers are one of the most amazing families I have ever experienced.

I come from the water.

Can we please fly away?

At the county fair.

The Willer view =)

More viewing from the deck.

The End.

And so it goes.

2010-09-12T21:33:00.001-05:00

Well, obviously I am no fan of posting my personal life for everyone to examine (sarcasm intended...), but I suppose I will share this tid bit with you all. I have had a pretty terrible last week, lots of crying and boo-hoo-ing around (break-up business). So for some reason Devon was with me and I just burst into tears (surely it was when Fix You or something equally so corny came on the playlist). He looked at me and said, "Mommy, are you crying? Don't cry, baby." And stroked my cheek. I told him, "Don't worry, I'm just having a bad day." To which he replied, "Ohhh, like Pepper?"

Yes, he was referring to one of his books that we have read maybe twice. Luckily I found this so cute that it made me giggle and the giggles took away the tears. For that moment, at least....

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my son??

Thank God for BOOKS! ...and my baby :)

2010-07-09T13:19:00.001-05:00

Lately I had been having some pretty significant trouble handling my now three year-old. Thanks to the amaaaazing book, Transforming the Difficult Child, we have begun essentially a reversal of what I foresaw as a catastrophic course we were following. Devon is becoming so aware and understanding so much; it is wonderful and challenging, also. I feel like I say this so often but it's just so beautiful to watch the correction, modification, and metamorphisis through learning and doing that a child experiences. Hard of a time as I've had recently...

< PAUSE >

Yesterday I had a particularly frustrating day in my personal rather than parental life. I picked Devon up from school and he was so happy and spent a majority of the ride home telling me the cutest stories about what happens to naughty garbage trucks... and why we can't eat a lot of candy because it's not healthy and we have to eat our healthy food first or we'll get sick or get a cavity... and asking when he would be big enough that Grandpa would let him climb up the ladder to go into the attic... then sort of from nowhere he started telling me that Mommies love their babies so much and Mommies always come back to pick up their babies. He always startles me with these things and it made me tear up a little bit. And I swear, in those moments especially, I can not think of one thing that I miss about not being a mother.

No Pillar of Salt...

2010-06-29T01:08:00.002-05:00

I am doing a lot of looking backwards these days.

Mostly just for my love of reflection...

But, I must admit, The Future is full of so much uncertainty and longing that I can sometimes close my eyes and find peace in what I have thus far sojourned. Funny, because back then, back when... The Future was a nightmare from which I recoiled in fear and despair. And then grew this strength, it is calloused and cautious, this is true. But the growth is strong and sturdy and proud, as it should be. Slow in growing, but deeply rooted, the blooms have just begun their birth.

So back to the LOOKING backwards. I came across this, that I wrote about two and a half years ago. And why does it make me feel better? I don't know. But it does! So there, no further explanation needed.

I am that girl, the one I was. But being this entity... I'm sorry. It get's to me.
Older and on my shoulders rest all I have exalted and the constant reminder of disdain, the despise.
A disguise: your heart adorned, and of course, my scorn... Watching, lurking, stealing secret glances.

I know you.
You know this because you felt it.
Deep inside of me you touched it.
Your softness left me this bruise. Sure, it's healed, but to a blackness.
And it's everywhere. It's in my damn hair.
This blackness to envelop me, it finds me and binds me with a chain invisible.
It tore down my solid fortress, leaving just my mess.
And there I stumble in the shadows, falling.
Drowning in a rain drop.
But through the tears I see the bottom and now I know that I have truly forgotten the kiss so soft,

the touch to make my eyes close.
Now no more rain, tears to a halt.
Static living sets in, a numbness not my fault.
I was a willing sacrifice and not just once was I.
Offered to you daily, hourly, every moment of every moment.
And so I waited for the realization to set in, for you to say why.
But my heart, my light, my very breath in the night.
(What do you they say? They call it a flame.)
Yeah, you were the flame. The beauty, the brilliance, the warmth, the life.
Your fire burned and blazed, so bright it blinded.
And it burned and scorched and left weeping and crying, a life sort of dying.
Now ashes and it's done, it's gone.
And I am young.
I am not the girl I was.
(You're too late. Those feelings once had for you are not even feelings now. They are those kind made of pen on paper only. And you're absence will never be forgiven, at very least not by me. One day you can explain it to your son.)

What IS deserving of my heart's poetry whose composition comes while crying on the kitchen floor?

I am reliving the past. There is always the sliver, the doubt, the disbelief that says "don't trust yourself, you've been so wrong." But wiser and more cynical as I am, I've let it all go. I pray the wind carries this softly and sweetly. But how often are prayers answered, really?

So I changed to the Stretched Out Page Layout.....

2010-06-25T00:55:00.000-05:00

What a pain in arse. Now all of my older posts have screwed up formatting. But in the meanwhile... ENJOY!!!

Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumping all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Well do you see me drinking milk from a saucer!?

Beach Bums

2010-06-13T23:12:00.001-05:00

"It is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch it, we are going back from whence we came."

Short. Sweet. Truth.

I love the ocean, it is the place where my heart and soul rest unlike any other. Where the sky meets water, this is life to me. How fitting and joyous that I have a child who is equally enamored of the water, the beach, the beauty - its serenity.

Heavy on the Heart.

2010-05-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

Devon rocked out a three year old birthday this past Monday. It has been quite an emotional event for his Mama. Now it could be sleep deprivation, it could be my general tendency to become overly-emotional at the most unexpected of times and things, it could be school-work-single mom mixture stuff, it could be personal life blah blah blah. But I am thinking that this is just what being a parent entails. The emotion of it is unlike anything else life can slam you with and bigger than anything even the most gifted imagination can summon. It's hard. It's f*cking hard. And it is something you cannot adjust to. You embrace it, you love it, there is nothing in this life as I have seen it that can bring such pureness of joy and peace of spirit than the recognition of the intrinsic beauty of being a parent, of caring for and influencing a little human's life.

Thus, my emotional state as of late. I am so easily emotionally overwhelmed.

I count it as a blessing and a curse.

The Arrival.

2010-04-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Summer is here. And watermelon and all of the goodness and greenness and beaches and sweat and sun that accompany it. Finally!! (Not to mention three year old birthdays on the way... and he's getting a ride on tractor. Shhhh, don't tell!)

Agua Melon!!!

My pequeno :)

Oh the Potty Joy!

2010-04-15T09:54:00.000-05:00

One small step for a two-year old, one giant leap in his mothers' heart <3. Today is the Devonator's first day in "big boy undies." (The spiderman kind, if you must know.) Wish us luck!

Will report back later with pictures and hopefully not completely yucky details!

P.S. Why do they only make toddler undies in ghey briefs. Where the boxer briefs be at? Mama ain't trying to raise no fool!

It's the Lone Star State, get it straight!

2010-03-19T19:35:00.001-05:00

And Houston happens to have the best rodeo George Strait ever sang about (see below). But this Mama might just let her baby grow up to be a cowboy, if he's a right Texas cowboy. He was most excited about the giganto tractors and hatching baby chicks in the incubators. So that right there makes me kiss his little cheeks eighteen thousand times a day.

So, honey.. don't wait up for us, if we hurry we can still make Houston again :)

I Can Still Make Cheyenne - Ge...

A Million Photos is worth a Bazillion Words....

2010-02-06T08:55:00.006-06:00

And we took a million. We went out to the lake and then to the kid section in Barnes & Noble to get some action shots of Devon. Mission complete. In fact, the mission was so complete that we only got about 8 out of 210 photos of him actually looking into the lens! And all of it thanks to Devon's "Uncle" Mark. Only the best photographer and friend I know. Here are just a few of my favorites:

(I will add more later, this takes FORRRREVERRR!)
:) Em

This just all speaks for itself :)

2010-01-17T21:35:00.005-06:00

Gobble Gobble

2009-11-28T20:15:00.011-06:00

Thanksgiving was pretty joyful. Every holiday is so exciting because Devon is just now starting to understand that we have certain days for celebrating certain events. Birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure he has no clue what the purpose of these events are but... if it means presents, candy, decorations, and excitement... obviously it's up his alley. Here's our turkey cookie adventure process:

Happily Ever After "Jet Lounge Style"...

2009-10-05T00:05:00.014-05:00

Mina and James celebrated their marriage today and Devon, Jeff and I were lucky enough to be there to provide photographic evidence of the amazingness and experience the joy along with one of the most intrinsically beautiful women I have ever known or ever expect to meet!!

San Antonio, Tee Ex. Summer '09

2009-10-04T23:50:00.004-05:00

We just had a complete and total blast, hanging out with family. And the babies, as usual, had so much fun together. Here's just a brief glimpse into the adventure!!

This made me cry. Hard

2009-08-17T21:49:00.001-05:00

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

Slave Labor??

2009-08-14T23:56:00.005-05:00

He helped Ba-Pa plant a vegetable garden. (And he is still convinced that those are "astronaut gloves.")

coming soon.... Sea World pics!!!

Hot Fun in the Summertime

2009-07-26T17:26:00.006-05:00

Going through the motions and the notions...

2009-06-29T12:15:00.003-05:00

So busy lately that I have no new pictures. But Devon is getting so big and turning into such a sweetheart that I have to take a minute away from The Rush. He has learned to say Thank You and it is now such a habit that it's practically ridiculous. At least 46 times a day it's, "Tink shu, mommy," after anything I do for him. He has the sweetest little heart. And he loves to make sure that everyone is aware of everything he knows. He provides a narration to all events as they occur. When we are in the car driving and he sees construction going on he first points out the "tractors" and then tells me "the tractors build roads and build houses" and then explains the the roads are where the "cars and trucks drive" and the houses are where "people go home and go night night." At home he points out any instance where there are TWO (his favorite number) of anything. Two trucks, two shoes, two tractors, two kitty cats, everything.

"Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means."

It must be exhausting to lose your own game...

2009-06-09T22:16:00.005-05:00

"You can't play the victim this time.
and you're too late. So don't cry to me."

This is a list that is ever-building. I have to do this for my sanity. "Thank you's" for the ex-husband??

- Firstly and most obviously, without him I would not have been given the most beautiful and precious child imaginable to watch over, love, and adore.
- Were it not for him and thus Devon, there would never have been the catalyst that is everything to what I will become.
- He allowed me to learn what selfless love really means... to give and to receive.
- He showed me that family does not necessarily become love, but love is the quintessence of family.
- Through his choices I am slowly finding the ability to do more than just react.
- I have consciously decided that my ultimate responsibility is to protect my child. And the hardest realization has been that sometimes I will have to shield his life from people who should be his very protectors.
- My purpose has clarity.
- He taught me that words mean nothing. Emotional truth is communicated through action.
- He gave me the inspiration for one of my favorite tattoos: a celtic symbol for everlasting love with the words above it "in deed and in truth" (From 2 John, "let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed, and in truth)
- I now know that I cannot change another person, only myself.
- My trust and respect now must be earned and once lost are nearly impossible to retrieve.
- Through watching his choices and situations, I am now able to appreciate that I truly have the most loving yet wise, encouraging yet demanding of autonomy, amazing parents I could have ever hoped for.
- He taught me that life is only what we make of it. And every day that I hear my son laugh, count his piggies, read the fire truck story for the 258th time, watch him play with the Kee Kats, tell his trucks night night, or have him pick a wildflower and hand it to me, "Here Mommy" I realize that Clay's loss has been my gain because not only have I been THE parent for Devon (which means he is all mine, all the time), I appreciate every moment as if it were literally the last.

And there is so much more that I will keep for myself.

So.... Thank you, Clay.

Devonish

2009-05-29T15:43:00.003-05:00

He has his own language. It's true. And I am learning to understand/speak it fairly fluently. Example words from Devon's vocabulary workshop:

truck = cruck
*as in...
fire truck = higher cruck
garbage truck = gar cruck
big truck = bee cruck
milk = mope
fork = cork
bathing suit = bay swoot
octopus = oh-pee-pees
back pack = beepap
elbow = bow bow
help = hep
Grandpa = Bah-pa

And Devon is also learning some sneaky ways of getting his point across. He's learned that when he wants something right away it is best to tell Mommy, "I NEED [insert desired item here]" It's so hilarious. He wakes up in the morning and climbs out of his crib (stealthy style like a ninja, he doesn't make a sound!), he comes over to my bed and stands beside my face and says, "Good morning, Mommy." And then we read stories for a little while. And suddenly he bursts out with, "Need mope, I need mope" in the most dramatic way possible... like he's dying of thirst. And then last week he was riding his birthday bike from his McKenzie grandparents and got a shoe stuck while exiting the bike. He cried out, "Mommy... hep... shoe... stuck!"

Happy Happy.

2009-05-20T15:13:00.002-05:00

Devon turned TWO on the 17th. We had a pool party with friends and family and oh so many toys and presents. Devon learned how to say "I'm twooooo." And when he says "two" he puckers his lips up like a fish. So cute.

Devon got his hair did!!!

2009-05-04T16:13:00.002-05:00

Jennifer Clark at Christine Salon in Kingwood (highly recommended!!) handled Devon's very first hair cut. I spent the whole week prior explaining the process to him: That he would get to sit in a big chair that goes up and down... and Miss Jennifer was going to go "Snip, snip" on his hair with her scissors. He was excited when we got there and was so good the entire time. So he got a sucker for a treat when we finished up. He looks so grown up now.

la vida dolce.

2009-05-04T14:09:00.010-05:00

I know I live vicariously! I'll admit it. To me... there is always someone else who said it better, played the notes I can't express, found the colors and the shapes I see when my eyes are closed. This is why music, art, and literature are so fantastic and vital to me. And I hope so much that Devon will absorb this love that I have :) So here is my life. Illuminated through the words of others...

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” -Hemingway
(I adore that he uses the word "SOME." Because it is ever evident to me that that a choice has to be made somewhere in the midst of this ridiculous thing we call life, and not everyone makes it. The choice to LIVE, to feel all of the pain and heartbreak and then get to bask in the sunlight.)

That quote reminds me of my strengths. It even makes me want to quote a Bible verse!!! "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." Every now and again, I find myself entertaining the feeling that my soul has just emerged from the eject end of some kind of shredder. But every time, unfailingly, I finally see clearly how I have been molded and hardened (and sometimes softened) through it. And yet...

"I was born for a storm and the calm does not suit me." -Andrew Jackson
That's just me.

But, more importantly... There are several important things happening. I am back in school. NURSING SCHOOL is on the horizon. I have to take Anatomy and Physiology and a few other classes this summer before I can apply. And it will be one cRaZy summer. I'm working (at home with my 2 year old!), taking 13 hours of school, and trying to get in some sun time! I am very excited for what is to come. It's all good things and progress from now on. (I'm even re-reading The Seven Habits. Now it must be serious. Lol). Pictures are from Gage's b-day party. Devon had so much fun, it was unbelievable!

Feeding Trinity pizza.

He got a snake tattoo. Painted :) --HiSSSSSssssss--

Playing with the Big Kids.

Different Face but the Words Never Change

2009-04-09T12:18:00.005-05:00

Down in the Park.

Rain, rain... Don't go Away!

2009-04-02T15:33:00.005-05:00

We had some pretty serious Texas rainstorms last week. Me and Devon sat inside the garage with the door open and watched the show. I promise you have never enjoyed the full glory and beauty of a rainstorm and the lightning vs. thunder war, until you have done so with a two-year old on your lap and been able to see the wonder and amazement on his face and sparkling in his eyes! And then he just couldn't contain himself....

He had to run in the rain!!

I don't know where he gets it!

2009-03-26T21:45:00.005-05:00

When I say Devon is the sweetest little boy ever, I am serious. I know I am his mother and I'm inclined to think these things but every single day he does something new to remind me how amazingly blessed I am to have this little person in my life. Tonight when I laid him down for bed he did something that brought a tear to my eye. I laid him down, just as I always do, and told him, "Night night, baby. Mommy loves you." I kissed him and turned to walk away.
Then I heard his quite little voice say, "Mommy?" So I came back to his crib and replied, "Yes, pumpkin?" He then raised his little hand and waved to me and whispered, "Bye bye."

It was an absolutely precious moment.

Save it for a Rainy Day.

2009-03-17T11:41:00.010-05:00

It's been rainy and moody in Houston lately. Ok, fine... the weather has been rainy and I have been moody! A day of fun and adventure was needed. So Jeff and I decided to take Devon to the Children's Museum, we have never been to the one in Houston. While we were in Salt Lake in January, we went with my cousin, Paige and her boys. Devon had a BLAST. So, since everything is bigger and better in Texas *winks* I knew we would have to check out Houston's version. However, when we pulled up on Sunday afternoon, it looked as if everyone in the city had the same idea on this drizzly day. There was a line of about twenty cars just to get into the parking garage and then the line to the front door was even more ridiculous. Change of plans... We thought about the museums and then Emily had a fabulous idea. The Menil Collection is FREE, and we do adore free. So we headed towards the beautiful Menil (which happens to be one of my favorite places in the city, there is something so calming about the architecture of the building and the grounds themselves... let alone the art). We didn't make it half way through the exhibits. Devon was bored and wanted to touch everything. So we decided it was best to leave before we had to deal with a "break it you buy it" situation involving a Picasso.

We should have known to begin with that the lawn out front would be Devon's first choice for fun, anyhow!

They have cut up the lawn by building trenches into patterns. The trenches are made of metal, Devon spent about an hour running through each one. It was so cute. I forgot to bring my camera, so all I had was my phone which has a terrible camera. We didn't get many good photos. :(

Probably won't leave this up permanently, but the writing and sharing in itself is cathartic.

2009-03-14T21:17:00.007-05:00

"Those who possess true strength of character and purity of heart are quick with compassion and slow to judge." -That isn't really a quote. I said it. To myself.

In reading, I recently came across something that affected me deeply. In fact, it hurt, as a lot of my guilt and self-doubt (which I have struggled to contain and restrain) was resurfaced. Without going into detail, I will just sum it up as an individual's opinion that women who have children out of wedlock are a disgrace to themselves, their children, and society in general. You know... the despise, the scarlet letter, all of that. As much as I have hated and blamed myself for giving my son less than he deserves, this really accentuates the self-loathing through knowing that there is also hatred from without.

In a seemingly unrelated event...

This afternoon, Devon and I were on our way downtown to a lunch date with a friend. I missed my exit to her house and decided to go through the city rather than turn around. After exiting, I rounded a corner and found myself staring at an accident scene. A mustang parked in the middle of road, driver's side door wide open... and then I saw the motorcycle smashed on the ground and the rider lying where he had been thrown to the sidewalk, twisted and lying in his blood and writhing in pain. The horrible accident must have just occurred as there were no emergency vehicles present and only a handful of people standing near him, all on cell phones. I could hear the man's tortured screams through my rolled up windows over the radio. I burst into tears, thinking of the anguish of the man I don't even know and wondering the extent of his injuries and what the future holds for him. I drove around until I saw the ambulance take him away. I don't know why I did this, I know nothing about the man. I guess it's just that thing... that tie that binds us together as human beings. I call it empathy... of the most sacred kind. To feel hurt at the sight of our fellow man in pain. Now I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a spiritual existence that supersedes our understanding and our mortal being. And this has been something I have been slow to understand and appreciate in my own life. In fact, it may not have been until I was a mother that I could fully grasp the depth and importance of this singular fact. We are all tied to each other.

When I got home tonight I was thinking and re-thinking over the day and all of the other concerns that have consumed my mind as of lately. Suddenly the realization came to me that these experiences in life, they are opportunities. Horrible things happen, nothing we do can change this. Not crying, not praying, not running away. We must embrace the hardship and cling to those who embody the compassion that we should treasure above all else. In our own hearts and in those we encounter. As I said, I am no Christian... however, I do pick up the Bible from time to time when I need a reminder that time and eternity and humanity are so much more than me. And my all-important-life is not that at all. It is just one of so many, and my struggles pale in comparison to those of so many others.

So, I think I should like to take heed to the wisdom of Paul, given to the Romans:

"But we glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts."

...And I am not ashamed of my mistakes. If I had no mistakes, I would be as an infant, never having grown...

Re-dedicating Myself.

2009-03-12T15:40:00.006-05:00

I'll put this is quick run down format. Short and sweet. Plain and simple. You know... not verbose. Is this possible? Can Emily actually do this? Read on...

Devon will turn two years old in May. Whow. This is exciting, but quite bitter sweet. I have to admit that my "baby" really isn't one any longer. But that's what all the pictures are for, right!? Honestly, I look forward with nothing but joy and confidence. --Confidence that one day he will not be satisfied to live in a cardboard box in his Grandparents' living room. And yes, he shirt is "Mr. Happy." ;)

Interestingly, it has all but officially been decided that Devon will continue the family tradition as an engineer. At least he exhibits all of the normal identifying traits of one. Most importantly and noticeably, he is hopelessly OCD. Anything at all out of its place is, "Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh..." until someone corrects the situation. He actually lines his cars and trucks up against the wall, all pointing the same direction in a perfect line. When we return from a trip he insists that all bags are immediately unpacked. And does this by removing each item from its luggage and handing it to me. He knows where all of the dishes in the kitchen go and helps me unload clean dishes. He is the best helper ever. He knows that dirty clothes do not go on the floor and he is the first to get dirty laundry straight to the hamper. Also, he must bring ALL of the blankets out of his crib when he wakes up. When I get him out he refuses to leave the room until he has his pillow and every blanket from the crib to bring with him.

Must stop now. I said I would be brief! Stay tuned...

I am to Blame.

2009-02-14T03:58:00.002-06:00

I'll explain this to Devon if I can ever make sense to myself.

my baby is an angel, given to me more so than I to him.
against all reason and logic. it's nearly a sin.
day in and day out my mind is given to wrapping around this madness.
madness that is perfection which came without expectation.
the world was mine to capture. captured i am.
she won't relinquish, grasping towards a surface.
a surface to be as calm and quaint as random can.
But my baby is an angel, given to me.
Much more so than I to him.
And it is this which disturbs me.
So darkly and deeply.
Inherit the earth? I don't want it, take away my meekly.
give me darkness, grant me solitude, see that i am untied.
moon beckons in sun and still i do no right.
Responsibility is mine and for that i do all i can to own.
so if nothing else... i can afford to give you that throne.

King of My Heart is what you are.
you can and will never know that it is because of you that all was ripped to shreds only to be mended tight.
Though, against every intention of hers, a day will come when you will see your mommy's scar.

It's begun...

2009-02-05T14:09:00.002-06:00

Well, Devon climbed out of his crib today. And by "climbed out" I mean that he obviously used some sort of acrobatics to propel himself over the side in order to land (I'm assuming on his head) with a huge thud. I was SHOCKED. Funny, I thought he was a baby. Clearly this has been one of the more pivotal occurances as far as me actually feeling that Devon is growing up. Sure, I know it when I look at pictures from when he was a newborn and I felt it when he started walking, etc. But this is something completely different. I don't know why. It's quite nerve-racking.

Also, we just recently returned from our snow/wedding/ski/family-visit vacation so I have pictures and a video of Devon in the snow to post. Will do that soon!

Reflections on the Water, on a Tear Drop

2009-01-06T10:32:00.004-06:00

2008.

A year filled with firsts.

For myself every day is a first at being Mommy to the child who wakes up as a new person every morning (not that he has multiple personality disorder (ADHD, maybe, but not multiple personalities)-things just change THAT quickly it seems). And it was my first year doing so without a husband. Fortunately, standing alone has given me more strength and fortitude than I could have ever attained otherwise. For my Devon, last year brought his first steps, first words (Mamamamama), first taste of sushi *which he loves, first understandings, first sights (airplanes, the moon, flowers, puppies) and sounds (the wind, Velvet Underground, thunder, whispers). Although most of these events are etched into memory and... I know will eventually become nostalgia for me... For Devon, they are just the first of so many stepping stones on his path to His Future. I have never been the sentimental or romantic emotional type. EVER. Especially not on New Years. For me, NYE = PARTY, Fresh Start, Days off Work. Period. Until this year, which is strange because this didn't happen last year, even though I did have Devon at that time. I think this just shows how much my affection for him has grown. I went out New Years Eve to a party at my best friend's home in downtown Houston. I got home around 2:30am where Devon had already been asleep since before I went out. I snuck into his room and peeked into his crib to tuck his blanky in tight (it was a cold night in Houston...) and all of a sudden. I was overcome with emotion, devotion, confusion, and conviction. I was crying! There will never be words to tell Devon what his mother feels for him. But maybe if I work hard enough I'll be able to live the definition of my soul's aspirations. Then I won't even have to find words to tell him how I love him, he will already know.

Rockin' Bed Time

2009-01-05T22:21:00.000-06:00

It was time for Devon to go down for bed tonight after a very long day at the Houston Aquarium with his Grandma, Grandpa, and his cousins. Devon gets really excited when Nathan and William come to stay and becomes even MORE wound up than normal (which I'm not even sure how that's possible). The child only runs and sleeps, there is nothing in between. By bed time I am typically more exhausted than he is. So tonight, the poor little guy did not want to go night night so I laid down with him for a few minutes to sing together so he could calm down. We started singing just as Dennis started playing the piano downstairs in the music room with the doors open. At first I was trying to sing over the piano and then Dennis started playing Bohemian Rhapsody so I just sang along with the song. Devon was getting sleepy by now and sometimes when we lay down while he's tired he will put his hand on my cheek and just rest it there. So Devon is lying there with his thumb in his mouth and his hand on my cheek and I'm singing Queen to him. And then we get to the "I see a little silhouetto of a man" part when the beat changes. So I keep singing and next thing I know, Devon's little hand starts tapping along to the beat. It was so adorable. I almost started laughing, but I just gave him a kiss instead. :)

Where are we and How did we get here?

2009-01-04T13:10:00.000-06:00

"You bring your light and shine like morning.
And when the wind pulls the clouds across the moon
your light fills the darkest room.
And I can see the miracle that keeps me from falling." -Sade

Devon will be TWENTY months old on January 17. I am starting to freak out somewhat when I realize that I will soon have a two year old (not that Devon hasn't been exhibiting all of the fantastic qualities of the "terrible two's" for months now...) I honestly try so hard to cherish and make the most of every moment, but... (I think it's righteous retribution now for my laughing when it was said that being a stay-at-home Mom is the hardest job) And I am a WORKING stay-at-home Mom. I guess that means I ROCK, hehe, and I love it! I do a whole lot of complaining (as those of you who are close can affirm), but when I do the serious reflecting I am humbled by everything I have. Last year was a very challenging one for me but it was also hands down the most fulfilled year of my life (SO FAR...) and I have a feeling life is on the right track. (Now if I can just get the train moving... Ha.)

To rewind a bit for those who don't know... Devon was born May 17, 2007. He was 8 lbs 1 ounce, 20 inches long and completely healthy.

And I did it with NO EPIDURAL, which makes me feel like a total wonder woman. Anyhow, Clay and I had been having problems for a while and when Devon was about five weeks old I moved back in with my Mom and Dad (and Dennis). And poor Dennis, he's always being mistaken for being Devon's father. Every time he comes out with Devon and I some stranger inevitably makes a comment, like "oh, I bet he's Daddy's little boy, right!?" I'm just waiting for him to say, "I don't know. Why don't you ask the kid's dad?" So I'm living "back home" and I am amazingly blessed to have such loving and supportive parents. They had no problem with me and my infant child living at their house and me staying home with Devon, I didn't go back to work until Devon was ten months old. I went back to work for the construction company where I had been working prior to and during my pregnancy. It was unbelievably hard for me to have Devon in day care. For about the first two weeks I would drive to work every day in tears. Also, during this time I had already decided to file for divorce so I was trying to survive the break-up process and still keep a positive attitude for my son. The stress and anxiety wore on me, badly. My job was becoming increasingly stressful so I left the company in hopes of find anything that would be in any way more conducive to maintaining my sanity. By *chance* (read: The Grace of God) I found an interesting job opportunity on a local Kingwood Craiglist-type website for a job with a small local telemarketing company, where I could work from home. I looked into the job really as only a temporary solution and it has turned out to be an absolute blessing. The company is a telemarketing firm, however they are very industry specific and deal mostly with IT and energy-related companies. My job is to call on behalf of our clients and speak with IT Directors, Facilites Managers, etc and try to either schedule a sales appointments or get information about the company's needs. It isn't sales, obviously, or I would have lost my job long ago... (I am not the salesman -or woman, for the matter- type). I am planning to go back to school in summer '09 for an accounting degree. I'll be buying a "new" care in the next few months, so wish us luck with THAT process. And that brings you up to date. Me and Devon hang around the house all day in our PJ's and try to get some work done!! Every day is an adventure in Emily and Devon Land. :)

(And in case anyone is wondering... Clay is living back in Louisiana and isn't involved in Devon's life at all anymore. He needs to take care of himself right now and I am not encouraging him to be present, currently. I'll be honest and say it has been really hard for me to go through this. And it is an entirely new experience making decisions based on the needs of another person. But really having Devon isn't a responsibility as much as an honor. I just try to live worthy of this little gift I was given...

Intro... (as if we need one)

2008-12-27T08:59:00.000-06:00

I have decided that my life is not busy enough. I need MORE to occupy my time. Working, being a single Mom, getting ready to go back to school... these things just do not fill up my days. And obviously, being the enormous jerk that I am, charity or volunteer work is out of the question.

So.... IT"S A NEW BLOG. But this one is different. No poetry, no music, no more of Emily's thoughts about things-no-one-cares-about. This blog is DIFFERENT. This blog is meaningful. (I'm basically doing it to write about my experience raising my son and watching him become the person he will be. I'm a terrible mother because I don't do scrapbooks or baby books and I don't make ANYTHING crafty. But I do write and I love my son dearly. I don't want to forget one second of the joy I have felt since he popped out and into my life. (And I use the term "popped out" sort of loosely.) So the Chronicles of Devon's life will begin... (albeit a year and a half late. But it's never too late to begin what I should have been doing all along...)

P.S. I know I said there would be no music, but that is most likely a lie. In fact... here are some of my favorite lyrics that describe my world with Devon in it.

"I don't need anyone to tell me about heaven.
I look at my child, and I believe.
I don't need proof when it comes to God and truth,
I can see the sunset and I perceive."