A Million Photos is worth a Bazillion Words....

And we took a million. We went out to the lake and then to the kid section in Barnes & Noble to get some action shots of Devon. Mission complete. In fact, the mission was so complete that we only got about 8 out of 210 photos of him actually looking into the lens! And all of it thanks to Devon's "Uncle" Mark. Only the best photographer and friend I know. Here are just a few of my favorites:























(I will add more later, this takes FORRRREVERRR!)
:) Em

This just all speaks for itself :)

Gobble Gobble

Thanksgiving was pretty joyful. Every holiday is so exciting because Devon is just now starting to understand that we have certain days for celebrating certain events. Birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure he has no clue what the purpose of these events are but... if it means presents, candy, decorations, and excitement... obviously it's up his alley. Here's our turkey cookie adventure process:

Happily Ever After "Jet Lounge Style"...

Mina and James celebrated their marriage today and Devon, Jeff and I were lucky enough to be there to provide photographic evidence of the amazingness and experience the joy along with one of the most intrinsically beautiful women I have ever known or ever expect to meet!!

San Antonio, Tee Ex. Summer '09

We just had a complete and total blast, hanging out with family. And the babies, as usual, had so much fun together. Here's just a brief glimpse into the adventure!!

This made me cry. Hard

"How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light."

Slave Labor??

He helped Ba-Pa plant a vegetable garden. (And he is still convinced that those are "astronaut gloves.")



coming soon.... Sea World pics!!!

Hot Fun in the Summertime

Going through the motions and the notions...

So busy lately that I have no new pictures. But Devon is getting so big and turning into such a sweetheart that I have to take a minute away from The Rush. He has learned to say Thank You and it is now such a habit that it's practically ridiculous. At least 46 times a day it's, "Tink shu, mommy," after anything I do for him. He has the sweetest little heart. And he loves to make sure that everyone is aware of everything he knows. He provides a narration to all events as they occur. When we are in the car driving and he sees construction going on he first points out the "tractors" and then tells me "the tractors build roads and build houses" and then explains the the roads are where the "cars and trucks drive" and the houses are where "people go home and go night night." At home he points out any instance where there are TWO (his favorite number) of anything. Two trucks, two shoes, two tractors, two kitty cats, everything.


"Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means."

It must be exhausting to lose your own game...

"You can't play the victim this time.
and you're too late. So don't cry to me."

This is a list that is ever-building. I have to do this for my sanity. "Thank you's" for the ex-husband??

- Firstly and most obviously, without him I would not have been given the most beautiful and precious child imaginable to watch over, love, and adore.
- Were it not for him and thus Devon, there would never have been the catalyst that is everything to what I will become.
- He allowed me to learn what selfless love really means... to give and to receive.
- He showed me that family does not necessarily become love, but love is the quintessence of family.
- Through his choices I am slowly finding the ability to do more than just react.
- I have consciously decided that my ultimate responsibility is to protect my child. And the hardest realization has been that sometimes I will have to shield his life from people who should be his very protectors.
- My purpose has clarity.
- He taught me that words mean nothing. Emotional truth is communicated through action.
- He gave me the inspiration for one of my favorite tattoos: a celtic symbol for everlasting love with the words above it "in deed and in truth" (From 2 John, "let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed, and in truth)
- I now know that I cannot change another person, only myself.
- My trust and respect now must be earned and once lost are nearly impossible to retrieve.
- Through watching his choices and situations, I am now able to appreciate that I truly have the most loving yet wise, encouraging yet demanding of autonomy, amazing parents I could have ever hoped for.
- He taught me that life is only what we make of it. And every day that I hear my son laugh, count his piggies, read the fire truck story for the 258th time, watch him play with the Kee Kats, tell his trucks night night, or have him pick a wildflower and hand it to me, "Here Mommy" I realize that Clay's loss has been my gain because not only have I been THE parent for Devon (which means he is all mine, all the time), I appreciate every moment as if it were literally the last.

And there is so much more that I will keep for myself.

So.... Thank you, Clay.

Devonish

He has his own language. It's true. And I am learning to understand/speak it fairly fluently. Example words from Devon's vocabulary workshop:

truck = cruck
*as in...
fire truck = higher cruck
garbage truck = gar cruck
big truck = bee cruck
milk = mope
fork = cork
bathing suit = bay swoot
octopus = oh-pee-pees
back pack = beepap
elbow = bow bow
help = hep
Grandpa = Bah-pa

And Devon is also learning some sneaky ways of getting his point across. He's learned that when he wants something right away it is best to tell Mommy, "I NEED [insert desired item here]" It's so hilarious. He wakes up in the morning and climbs out of his crib (stealthy style like a ninja, he doesn't make a sound!), he comes over to my bed and stands beside my face and says, "Good morning, Mommy." And then we read stories for a little while. And suddenly he bursts out with, "Need mope, I need mope" in the most dramatic way possible... like he's dying of thirst. And then last week he was riding his birthday bike from his McKenzie grandparents and got a shoe stuck while exiting the bike. He cried out, "Mommy... hep... shoe... stuck!"

Happy Happy.

Devon turned TWO on the 17th. We had a pool party with friends and family and oh so many toys and presents. Devon learned how to say "I'm twooooo." And when he says "two" he puckers his lips up like a fish. So cute.

Devon got his hair did!!!

Jennifer Clark at Christine Salon in Kingwood (highly recommended!!) handled Devon's very first hair cut. I spent the whole week prior explaining the process to him: That he would get to sit in a big chair that goes up and down... and Miss Jennifer was going to go "Snip, snip" on his hair with her scissors. He was excited when we got there and was so good the entire time. So he got a sucker for a treat when we finished up. He looks so grown up now.

la vida dolce.

I know I live vicariously! I'll admit it. To me... there is always someone else who said it better, played the notes I can't express, found the colors and the shapes I see when my eyes are closed. This is why music, art, and literature are so fantastic and vital to me. And I hope so much that Devon will absorb this love that I have :) So here is my life. Illuminated through the words of others...


“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” -Hemingway
(I adore that he uses the word "SOME." Because it is ever evident to me that that a choice has to be made somewhere in the midst of this ridiculous thing we call life, and not everyone makes it. The choice to LIVE, to feel all of the pain and heartbreak and then get to bask in the sunlight.)

That quote reminds me of my strengths. It even makes me want to quote a Bible verse!!! "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." Every now and again, I find myself entertaining the feeling that my soul has just emerged from the eject end of some kind of shredder. But every time, unfailingly, I finally see clearly how I have been molded and hardened (and sometimes softened) through it. And yet...


"I was born for a storm and the calm does not suit me." -Andrew Jackson
That's just me.

But, more importantly... There are several important things happening. I am back in school. NURSING SCHOOL is on the horizon. I have to take Anatomy and Physiology and a few other classes this summer before I can apply. And it will be one cRaZy summer. I'm working (at home with my 2 year old!), taking 13 hours of school, and trying to get in some sun time! I am very excited for what is to come. It's all good things and progress from now on. (I'm even re-reading The Seven Habits. Now it must be serious. Lol). Pictures are from Gage's b-day party. Devon had so much fun, it was unbelievable!


Feeding Trinity pizza.


He got a snake tattoo. Painted :) --HiSSSSSssssss--

Playing with the Big Kids.

Different Face but the Words Never Change

Down in the Park.

Rain, rain... Don't go Away!

We had some pretty serious Texas rainstorms last week. Me and Devon sat inside the garage with the door open and watched the show. I promise you have never enjoyed the full glory and beauty of a rainstorm and the lightning vs. thunder war, until you have done so with a two-year old on your lap and been able to see the wonder and amazement on his face and sparkling in his eyes! And then he just couldn't contain himself....

He had to run in the rain!!

I don't know where he gets it!

When I say Devon is the sweetest little boy ever, I am serious. I know I am his mother and I'm inclined to think these things but every single day he does something new to remind me how amazingly blessed I am to have this little person in my life. Tonight when I laid him down for bed he did something that brought a tear to my eye. I laid him down, just as I always do, and told him, "Night night, baby. Mommy loves you." I kissed him and turned to walk away.
Then I heard his quite little voice say, "Mommy?" So I came back to his crib and replied, "Yes, pumpkin?" He then raised his little hand and waved to me and whispered, "Bye bye."

It was an absolutely precious moment.

Save it for a Rainy Day.

It's been rainy and moody in Houston lately. Ok, fine... the weather has been rainy and I have been moody! A day of fun and adventure was needed. So Jeff and I decided to take Devon to the Children's Museum, we have never been to the one in Houston. While we were in Salt Lake in January, we went with my cousin, Paige and her boys. Devon had a BLAST. So, since everything is bigger and better in Texas *winks* I knew we would have to check out Houston's version. However, when we pulled up on Sunday afternoon, it looked as if everyone in the city had the same idea on this drizzly day. There was a line of about twenty cars just to get into the parking garage and then the line to the front door was even more ridiculous. Change of plans... We thought about the museums and then Emily had a fabulous idea. The Menil Collection is FREE, and we do adore free. So we headed towards the beautiful Menil (which happens to be one of my favorite places in the city, there is something so calming about the architecture of the building and the grounds themselves... let alone the art). We didn't make it half way through the exhibits. Devon was bored and wanted to touch everything. So we decided it was best to leave before we had to deal with a "break it you buy it" situation involving a Picasso.

We should have known to begin with that the lawn out front would be Devon's first choice for fun, anyhow!




















They have cut up the lawn by building trenches into patterns. The trenches are made of metal, Devon spent about an hour running through each one. It was so cute. I forgot to bring my camera, so all I had was my phone which has a terrible camera. We didn't get many good photos. :(

Probably won't leave this up permanently, but the writing and sharing in itself is cathartic.

"Those who possess true strength of character and purity of heart are quick with compassion and slow to judge." -That isn't really a quote. I said it. To myself.

In reading, I recently came across something that affected me deeply. In fact, it hurt, as a lot of my guilt and self-doubt (which I have struggled to contain and restrain) was resurfaced. Without going into detail, I will just sum it up as an individual's opinion that women who have children out of wedlock are a disgrace to themselves, their children, and society in general. You know... the despise, the scarlet letter, all of that. As much as I have hated and blamed myself for giving my son less than he deserves, this really accentuates the self-loathing through knowing that there is also hatred from without.

In a seemingly unrelated event...

This afternoon, Devon and I were on our way downtown to a lunch date with a friend. I missed my exit to her house and decided to go through the city rather than turn around. After exiting, I rounded a corner and found myself staring at an accident scene. A mustang parked in the middle of road, driver's side door wide open... and then I saw the motorcycle smashed on the ground and the rider lying where he had been thrown to the sidewalk, twisted and lying in his blood and writhing in pain. The horrible accident must have just occurred as there were no emergency vehicles present and only a handful of people standing near him, all on cell phones. I could hear the man's tortured screams through my rolled up windows over the radio. I burst into tears, thinking of the anguish of the man I don't even know and wondering the extent of his injuries and what the future holds for him. I drove around until I saw the ambulance take him away. I don't know why I did this, I know nothing about the man. I guess it's just that thing... that tie that binds us together as human beings. I call it empathy... of the most sacred kind. To feel hurt at the sight of our fellow man in pain. Now I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a spiritual existence that supersedes our understanding and our mortal being. And this has been something I have been slow to understand and appreciate in my own life. In fact, it may not have been until I was a mother that I could fully grasp the depth and importance of this singular fact. We are all tied to each other.

When I got home tonight I was thinking and re-thinking over the day and all of the other concerns that have consumed my mind as of lately. Suddenly the realization came to me that these experiences in life, they are opportunities. Horrible things happen, nothing we do can change this. Not crying, not praying, not running away. We must embrace the hardship and cling to those who embody the compassion that we should treasure above all else. In our own hearts and in those we encounter. As I said, I am no Christian... however, I do pick up the Bible from time to time when I need a reminder that time and eternity and humanity are so much more than me. And my all-important-life is not that at all. It is just one of so many, and my struggles pale in comparison to those of so many others.

So, I think I should like to take heed to the wisdom of Paul, given to the Romans:

"But we glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts."

...And I am not ashamed of my mistakes. If I had no mistakes, I would be as an infant, never having grown...

Re-dedicating Myself.

I'll put this is quick run down format. Short and sweet. Plain and simple. You know... not verbose. Is this possible? Can Emily actually do this? Read on...

Devon will turn two years old in May. Whow. This is exciting, but quite bitter sweet. I have to admit that my "baby" really isn't one any longer. But that's what all the pictures are for, right!? Honestly, I look forward with nothing but joy and confidence. --Confidence that one day he will not be satisfied to live in a cardboard box in his Grandparents' living room. And yes, he shirt is "Mr. Happy." ;)





Interestingly, it has all but officially been decided that Devon will continue the family tradition as an engineer. At least he exhibits all of the normal identifying traits of one. Most importantly and noticeably, he is hopelessly OCD. Anything at all out of its place is, "Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh..." until someone corrects the situation. He actually lines his cars and trucks up against the wall, all pointing the same direction in a perfect line. When we return from a trip he insists that all bags are immediately unpacked. And does this by removing each item from its luggage and handing it to me. He knows where all of the dishes in the kitchen go and helps me unload clean dishes. He is the best helper ever. He knows that dirty clothes do not go on the floor and he is the first to get dirty laundry straight to the hamper. Also, he must bring ALL of the blankets out of his crib when he wakes up. When I get him out he refuses to leave the room until he has his pillow and every blanket from the crib to bring with him.



Must stop now. I said I would be brief! Stay tuned...

I am to Blame.

I'll explain this to Devon if I can ever make sense to myself.



my baby is an angel, given to me more so than I to him.
against all reason and logic. it's nearly a sin.
day in and day out my mind is given to wrapping around this madness.
madness that is perfection which came without expectation.
the world was mine to capture. captured i am.
she won't relinquish, grasping towards a surface.
a surface to be as calm and quaint as random can.
But my baby is an angel, given to me.
Much more so than I to him.
And it is this which disturbs me.
So darkly and deeply.
Inherit the earth? I don't want it, take away my meekly.
give me darkness, grant me solitude, see that i am untied.
moon beckons in sun and still i do no right.
Responsibility is mine and for that i do all i can to own.
so if nothing else... i can afford to give you that throne.

King of My Heart is what you are.
you can and will never know that it is because of you that all was ripped to shreds only to be mended tight.
Though, against every intention of hers, a day will come when you will see your mommy's scar.

It's begun...

Well, Devon climbed out of his crib today. And by "climbed out" I mean that he obviously used some sort of acrobatics to propel himself over the side in order to land (I'm assuming on his head) with a huge thud. I was SHOCKED. Funny, I thought he was a baby. Clearly this has been one of the more pivotal occurances as far as me actually feeling that Devon is growing up. Sure, I know it when I look at pictures from when he was a newborn and I felt it when he started walking, etc. But this is something completely different. I don't know why. It's quite nerve-racking.

Also, we just recently returned from our snow/wedding/ski/family-visit vacation so I have pictures and a video of Devon in the snow to post. Will do that soon!

Reflections on the Water, on a Tear Drop

2008.

A year filled with firsts.







For myself every day is a first at being Mommy to the child who wakes up as a new person every morning (not that he has multiple personality disorder (ADHD, maybe, but not multiple personalities)-things just change THAT quickly it seems). And it was my first year doing so without a husband. Fortunately, standing alone has given me more strength and fortitude than I could have ever attained otherwise. For my Devon, last year brought his first steps, first words (Mamamamama), first taste of sushi *which he loves, first understandings, first sights (airplanes, the moon, flowers, puppies) and sounds (the wind, Velvet Underground, thunder, whispers). Although most of these events are etched into memory and... I know will eventually become nostalgia for me... For Devon, they are just the first of so many stepping stones on his path to His Future. I have never been the sentimental or romantic emotional type. EVER. Especially not on New Years. For me, NYE = PARTY, Fresh Start, Days off Work. Period. Until this year, which is strange because this didn't happen last year, even though I did have Devon at that time. I think this just shows how much my affection for him has grown. I went out New Years Eve to a party at my best friend's home in downtown Houston. I got home around 2:30am where Devon had already been asleep since before I went out. I snuck into his room and peeked into his crib to tuck his blanky in tight (it was a cold night in Houston...) and all of a sudden. I was overcome with emotion, devotion, confusion, and conviction. I was crying! There will never be words to tell Devon what his mother feels for him. But maybe if I work hard enough I'll be able to live the definition of my soul's aspirations. Then I won't even have to find words to tell him how I love him, he will already know.

Rockin' Bed Time

It was time for Devon to go down for bed tonight after a very long day at the Houston Aquarium with his Grandma, Grandpa, and his cousins. Devon gets really excited when Nathan and William come to stay and becomes even MORE wound up than normal (which I'm not even sure how that's possible). The child only runs and sleeps, there is nothing in between. By bed time I am typically more exhausted than he is. So tonight, the poor little guy did not want to go night night so I laid down with him for a few minutes to sing together so he could calm down. We started singing just as Dennis started playing the piano downstairs in the music room with the doors open. At first I was trying to sing over the piano and then Dennis started playing Bohemian Rhapsody so I just sang along with the song. Devon was getting sleepy by now and sometimes when we lay down while he's tired he will put his hand on my cheek and just rest it there. So Devon is lying there with his thumb in his mouth and his hand on my cheek and I'm singing Queen to him. And then we get to the "I see a little silhouetto of a man" part when the beat changes. So I keep singing and next thing I know, Devon's little hand starts tapping along to the beat. It was so adorable. I almost started laughing, but I just gave him a kiss instead. :)

Where are we and How did we get here?

"You bring your light and shine like morning.
And when the wind pulls the clouds across the moon
your light fills the darkest room.
And I can see the miracle that keeps me from falling." -Sade



Devon will be TWENTY months old on January 17. I am starting to freak out somewhat when I realize that I will soon have a two year old (not that Devon hasn't been exhibiting all of the fantastic qualities of the "terrible two's" for months now...) I honestly try so hard to cherish and make the most of every moment, but... (I think it's righteous retribution now for my laughing when it was said that being a stay-at-home Mom is the hardest job) And I am a WORKING stay-at-home Mom. I guess that means I ROCK, hehe, and I love it! I do a whole lot of complaining (as those of you who are close can affirm), but when I do the serious reflecting I am humbled by everything I have. Last year was a very challenging one for me but it was also hands down the most fulfilled year of my life (SO FAR...) and I have a feeling life is on the right track. (Now if I can just get the train moving... Ha.)

To rewind a bit for those who don't know... Devon was born May 17, 2007. He was 8 lbs 1 ounce, 20 inches long and completely healthy.

And I did it with NO EPIDURAL, which makes me feel like a total wonder woman. Anyhow, Clay and I had been having problems for a while and when Devon was about five weeks old I moved back in with my Mom and Dad (and Dennis). And poor Dennis, he's always being mistaken for being Devon's father. Every time he comes out with Devon and I some stranger inevitably makes a comment, like "oh, I bet he's Daddy's little boy, right!?" I'm just waiting for him to say, "I don't know. Why don't you ask the kid's dad?" So I'm living "back home" and I am amazingly blessed to have such loving and supportive parents. They had no problem with me and my infant child living at their house and me staying home with Devon, I didn't go back to work until Devon was ten months old. I went back to work for the construction company where I had been working prior to and during my pregnancy. It was unbelievably hard for me to have Devon in day care. For about the first two weeks I would drive to work every day in tears. Also, during this time I had already decided to file for divorce so I was trying to survive the break-up process and still keep a positive attitude for my son. The stress and anxiety wore on me, badly. My job was becoming increasingly stressful so I left the company in hopes of find anything that would be in any way more conducive to maintaining my sanity. By *chance* (read: The Grace of God) I found an interesting job opportunity on a local Kingwood Craiglist-type website for a job with a small local telemarketing company, where I could work from home. I looked into the job really as only a temporary solution and it has turned out to be an absolute blessing. The company is a telemarketing firm, however they are very industry specific and deal mostly with IT and energy-related companies. My job is to call on behalf of our clients and speak with IT Directors, Facilites Managers, etc and try to either schedule a sales appointments or get information about the company's needs. It isn't sales, obviously, or I would have lost my job long ago... (I am not the salesman -or woman, for the matter- type). I am planning to go back to school in summer '09 for an accounting degree. I'll be buying a "new" care in the next few months, so wish us luck with THAT process. And that brings you up to date. Me and Devon hang around the house all day in our PJ's and try to get some work done!! Every day is an adventure in Emily and Devon Land. :)

(And in case anyone is wondering... Clay is living back in Louisiana and isn't involved in Devon's life at all anymore. He needs to take care of himself right now and I am not encouraging him to be present, currently. I'll be honest and say it has been really hard for me to go through this. And it is an entirely new experience making decisions based on the needs of another person. But really having Devon isn't a responsibility as much as an honor. I just try to live worthy of this little gift I was given...

Intro... (as if we need one)

I have decided that my life is not busy enough. I need MORE to occupy my time. Working, being a single Mom, getting ready to go back to school... these things just do not fill up my days. And obviously, being the enormous jerk that I am, charity or volunteer work is out of the question.

So.... IT"S A NEW BLOG. But this one is different. No poetry, no music, no more of Emily's thoughts about things-no-one-cares-about. This blog is DIFFERENT. This blog is meaningful. (I'm basically doing it to write about my experience raising my son and watching him become the person he will be. I'm a terrible mother because I don't do scrapbooks or baby books and I don't make ANYTHING crafty. But I do write and I love my son dearly. I don't want to forget one second of the joy I have felt since he popped out and into my life. (And I use the term "popped out" sort of loosely.) So the Chronicles of Devon's life will begin... (albeit a year and a half late. But it's never too late to begin what I should have been doing all along...)

P.S. I know I said there would be no music, but that is most likely a lie. In fact... here are some of my favorite lyrics that describe my world with Devon in it.

"I don't need anyone to tell me about heaven.
I look at my child, and I believe.
I don't need proof when it comes to God and truth,
I can see the sunset and I perceive."